Wednesday, March 28, 2007

How will I make it for 8 days without beer

I think Jewish holidays are pretty cool. A day or two of just chillin at home, whether im laying down taking a nap or reading a magazine leisurely, with out a worry of work or responsibilities which I may have. Its very relaxing. But there is something always some thing I have to give up. Succos requires you to freeze your tush off when you eat or snack outside, or having the bees buzzing around my head looking for a nibble.
As we approach Pesach, it gives me even more anxiety before and during the holiday. Im not talking about cleaning or any preparations for the big holiday, im talking about the mind set that I cant enjoy a good beer or down a slice of pizza at will. How will I make it through a day of work with out going to a bodega to pick me up a coffee. Some how I always make it through the rigorous 8 days just fine, but I start to think about for a week or 2 prior. Maybe by swallowing enough pizza and starbucks a day before, will make me not wanna have any of that for 8 days after. We shall see.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Hatzala guy demands his slushie!

I have the utmost respect for Hatzalah guys. They do a fantastic job and save many lives. But when i'm waiting in line patiently in line for pizza on a Saturday night, they should wait like everyone else. This guy in a yellow hatzalala walks in and comes up next to me this past Saturday night and starts asking the worker for a slushie. So, i ask him who he is asking, he goes to me 'do you mind if i cut you for a slushie', im like 'yeh, i mind'. Wait in line like everyone else. All i wanted was a slice of pizza, wheres my special privileges? Well, if he had some one waiting in the back of the ambulance who needed a slushie and his/her life depended on this slushie, then i would've gladly had let him cut me. I doubt that was the case and therefor he must wait the 5 minutes like everyone else.
I never had a police officer cut me at a dunkin donuts, maybe they are more respectful. That yellow jacket doesnt give them extra privileges every where. And dont get me started when they abuse theur sirens to go thru traffic and red lights so they can rush back to their garage or to mincha, or when their wives are behind the wheel and taking advantage of the sirens. Again, I am grateful for them and they do an awesome job.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Where are the middle of da road gals?

I had an interesting date this weekend. Interesting, as in, we equally bored the hell out of each other. She thought nothing I was talking about was intriguing, and nothing she had to speak about was of any interest to me. Although I do have to say, she was one of the better looking girls I have gone out with in some time. But it seems to me, the better looking a person is, they less interesting they are. I have gone out with some super ugly girls that were really interesting.
Where is the middle ground? Why cant there be some one with semi decent looks and can hold an interesting conversation with me. It was hard to hold a conversation, when every answer was the same “that’s so nice” or “that’s so sweet”. Not to mention, she was a lot more ‘white collar’ than I am, with her carrying a black berry and flies business class for business every other week. Where is that middle of the road girl, with the semi-decent job, the semi-decent looks, and semi-decent personality?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

frum yogis just have no shame.

As odd as this may sound, I’ve been going to yoga now for a little under a year; no one knew if I was Jewish and I didn’t know or care if any one in the class was a frum Jew. But that all stopped about two weeks when some one comes in with a yalmuka. Let him be Jew proud, im ok with that but here are my issues now that he found out I was also frum. Firstly, when we are doing partner exercises – I would rather partner up with a 22 year old girl to do it with. But now he’s asking me if I want to be his partner. How can I refuse? I would rather not hold on to nasty sweaty leg or back as he performs his yoga acts. I would so much rather hold on to a smooth not as sweaty yoga hottie. If that wasn’t bad enough, wait till I tell you what happened after class.

We go back to the dressing room while I get changed to go back home, he goes and takes a shower. So he hops into the shower naked for 10 seconds, I can ignore that. Then he comes out of the shower, with his unit still dangling starts reading some bulletin signs, and then he begins talking to me. He starts asking question for it seems like 5 min straight with out a thought in the world he still has nothing blocking his wanker. I am trying to answer his questions as briefly as possible and get my self ready as quickly as possible, while trying to avoid any eye contact down there.
I aint a homophobe, I just don’t feel comfortable talking about my life and what shul I davend in front of a naked a guy, while 5 other random guys are looking on. I may have to find a new place now for my yoga.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Why does Agudah consider good jews Koferim?

While volunteering for some old age home yesterday, I had the opportunity to meet up with all different types of jews. Some of whom, I don’t meet normally meet on a daily basis in Flatbush; those who are often looked down upon in the frum community, namely Agudah. I met people (girls) from the JTS studying gemarah, as well as some guys studying smicha in this Columbia affiliated yeshiva, located on campus. When I asked this jeans, hoodie, different style yalmuka wearing individual what he did, his response was that he learns. I was shocked because usually when I meet someone in their 20’s and they say that, I would expect a white shirt black pants kind of guy. He surprised with his clothing style, his open conversations, and easy to talk to personality; contrary to the normal yeshiva form Brooklyn or Lakewood. He tells me the Agudah and more religious people consider their yeshiva “koferim”.
Can some one explain this one to me? Those that actually study torah all day and keep the torah are considered Koferim, while those from the frum world who don’t learn at all, or learn an hr or 2 hrs a day , those who know alot less than these fine jews, are considered great frum Jews. I am just trying to understand.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Frummies complain about their maids is a lot of hard work.

Its that time of year again for Pesach cleaning. Or the time of year when all the frummies in flatbush get to dig deep in their wallets and underpay their cleaning ladies named Luba and Olga. The best part is when their having their daily mid week lunch at some local cafe, while their husbands hard at work, get to bitch to their other stay-at-home moms about how much work it is. I can see how much work it is to hire some immigrant and do the dirty work for you. Its also interesting to note that I constantly hear them complain more frequent than the people who are actually getting down and scrubbing. Those who cant afford multiple cleaning ladies a few weeks before the holiday.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

fed up with the frum dating scene - m4w

A friend of mine recently sent me this craigslist posting by email. This guy hit the issue right on, and now i fear that can be me in a couple years.

I am already in my 30's.I am an honest and good-looking guy with a bright future.I have not even been on a date in over 2 years.The shadchanim dont return phone calls.The community looks down at you if you try to meet people on your own,then they call you a bum and smear your reputation.
But what is a person supposed to do.... I have been waiting for years for the shadchanim to call me back...... First they say... call me after Rosh Hashana.... after Rosh Hashana I call and they say they are busy getting ready for Sukkos..... same thing when Chanukah comes around.....then purim.....This week a shadchan called me crazy when I called her less that a month before Passover.Could you imagine what would happen if a shadchan brought her sick child to the doctor and the doctor said "sorry I cant help you because its 3 weeks before pesach and I have lots of cleaning to do". There would be an uproar. I am tired of the excuses.
Being an Orthodox Jew is like being a member in a club.You pay your membership dues (living a life of torah and mitzvos and giving tzedokah) and then you are supposed to get benefits (community support,aliyahs on shabbos,help with shidduchim) I feel like I am being asked to pay my dues, but when I ask for services I am shut out and treated like an animal.

It is my goal in life to be married and raise children in a healthy structured environment.I feel that when I tell this to people, they laugh at me.All the married men say "believe me young man, you dont want to get married". If that is true then WHY ARE THEY MARRIED!!!! If it is so bad they should divorce their wives!Could you imagine if someone told you grapefruits taste horrible, but they still eat grapefruits? What hypocrits!
I have already brought my case to Hashem.I davened at the Kotel and at the kever of Reb Yonasson ben Uzziel.And guess what? My prayers have gone unanswered, just like my calls to the shadchanim. So ladies and gentlemen, I dont mean to be graphic, but if I want to have children I must do it before I start shooting blanks.So I decided it is time to widen the pool of prospective wives.
Here is the bottom line: If I dont have a date with a Jewish girl by Saturday night, then Sunday morning I will go to St. Patricks cathedral and convert to Christianity.This is not a craigslist frum ad parody, I am serious. Have a nice day!

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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

my Purim in flatbush recap.

So Purim went without a hoot in good ole Brooklyn, well sorta. No one harassed me for money, and i didn't get stuck in much traffic in flatbush . Well that can be also, because i hardly left my house during the day. That is my new solution to a stress less Purim; don't put yourself into a situation where a stressful situation may occur. I have also eliminated the mishloach manos contest, who can give the most to most people. Recently, i made a deal with all my friends, i don't give you and you dont give me and we'll call it a day. I just give the minimum amount for the mitzva and thats it. I made a quick stop on Purim for 20 minutes and that was all.
I also decided not to get drunk on Purim day, after some experiences of getting way sick from drinking too much wine. I did however drank some the night before, but it was all on mixed vodka drinks, where you dont get sick and vomit, like you would on wine. There was a funny instance which happened in the morning during laining, where the gabai of landaus shul started yelling at some random boro parker who began selling aliyahs. there was some pushing and shoving during the after affect. But eventually shul ended, and i was able to go back to my stress free day of Purim.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Happy purim

Why do frummies likes talking with their hands?

On the way home last night while riding the subway, I couldn't help but notice these 2 obvious looking religious girls talking in their normal whinnie voice. I have no idea what they were talking about and it didn't seem all that interesting enough for me to lean over to and take a listen. In fact, I had to stand back like 10 feet so they don't smack me with their hands. I got 4 hands 5 feet away from me waving all over the place. It seems to me a lot of frummie people have a thing for using their hands over excessively while talking, even if its not a very important conversation. How about paying more attention to the substance of the conversation, rather than the motion of your hands.